I really love having some color on my skin. Especially during the summer months, when beaches and swimming pools alike become infested with half-clothed peoples. I want to be a sexy half-clothed person with darker skin - I'm one of those people who think darker skin looks good.
Unfortunately, my family is part albino, and the other half lived in caves until the 1950's. (None of that is true, but it sure looks like it when you see my family, sweet rednecks that they are)
My mom had suffered from skin cancer (melanoma, for those of you who are medically inclined) when I was about thirteen years old. Watching her suffer as she lost gobs of her beautiful black hair while going through chemotherapy was enough to convince me that the sun was evil. It must be stopped.
Until the day comes when humans find another planet to sustain all life forms and obliterate this evil, I shall orange-glo myself during summer months. My friend told me to just try fish-belly white. It's the new "in". I gracefully bowed out of that uncomfortable idea. My veins are clearly evident through my translucent skin. Terrifying small children at a swimming pool by my glaringly vampirish body does not sound like a police-less visit to the pool.
Bath & Body Works has this wonderful skincare line called "True Blue Spa". I love the "Lay it on Thick" moisturizer, but this isn't about marvelous moisturizers. I need orange-glo, and NOW! So apparently, B&BW is miles ahead of me. Turns out, they have "Bronzing self-tanning lotion". Perfect!
My next stop was Wally World (Wal-Mart, for those of you who have yet to have heard the expression). Not for orange-glo, mind you, was I there, but for prescription refills. The anti-psychotics seem to be working. On the shelf directly across from the prescription refill counter, there is a display for all things summer-y. In between the aloe vera burn treatment and the 4 SPF tanning lotion, I found Hawaiian Tropic's "Island Radiance Créme" self-tanner that gives a flawless tan, luxurious 12-hour moisturization, and a light, fresh fragrance (nice label, HT!). Island RADIANCE?! That sounds fabulous. So I bought two (duh).
Coming home and throwing these things into the drawer to which they belong, I spot something of a similar shape and size as the Hawaiian Tropics container. Turns out, I had an old "True Blue Spa" bronzer. It says "bronze bombshell" on the label, and I'm sold. If bronzing me means turning me into a bombshell, I'm wanting to make it happen STAT!
After exfoliating my skin, I give a shot at using the newer B&BW bronzing lotion. My supposition was that, if newer, then better, right? That stuff is NOT lotion. It is a freaky alien-ish gel that has sparkles and suspiciously reminds me of Neutrogena T-Gel (you know, for dandruff and the like). It stings and stinks. At the SAME TIME. However, it does show bronze where you've applied so it doesn't get all streaky and freaky and oompa-loompa-y. Wash hands, dry hands on towel, stand somewhere for fifteen minutes without moving so nobody touches my tan.
I was satisfied for the present. A week goes by, and the legs are looking translucent yet again. Veins are showing everywhere, and it must be stopped. Exfoliation, OLDER B&BW "solar power all-angle professional airbrush tan, super fast 5-minute dry time!" (I'm serious. They really put the hyphen between 5 and minute. That can't be right. Right?) I felt that the spray was giving out a little, so I also spread on the HT Island Radiance. Can't tell where the heck it's going, but I'm hoping it works. Wash hands, dry hands on towel, stand somewhere for fifteen minutes without moving so nobody touches my tan. Five minutes... not so much for our friends over at HT.
Today I woke up and was pleasantly surprised to see a darker, bronzer me staring back from the mirror. I was not pleased to see the bronzer that had gotten on my undies. *sigh*
Hey, did you know that bronzers just keep working, and working, and WORKING??? Here is a shot of me on Sunday (six days ago, with my niece) and today about ten minutes ago:
Yep, Oompa-Loompa Emily has arrived! Problem #2 (as if being an oompa-loompa wasn't enough): I have oompa-loompa hands:
Yes, indeed, I am a bronze bombshell. For fictional characters living in a fabled, abandoned candy factory.
haha this is a riot. i love it. i already wrote this on your facebook, but i'm going to try out that jergens lotion that builds as you use it. which means i'll probably be applying it every 20 minutes for about two days straight haha. i'm so white!!
ReplyDeleteFurther update: About five days after applying the spray-on tanner from B&BW, my skin looked like I had that Michael Jackson disease. I had to wear pants for about two weeks because the legs looked diseased and leprous.
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